From an old musical called “Jack and the Beanstalk” (1956)
Lyrics by Helen Deutsch. Music by Jerry Livingston.
Original Recording (MP3, 1.67MB)
The Ill-Assorted Guards
Go marching twice a day.
They march with a rattle
and a tootle
and a boom
In an ill-assorted way.
A sword and a hammer and a hoe,
A rake and a raggedy mop,
And a broom
and a bat
and a paper hat
And a helmet with a feather on top!
Now one is fat
And one is thin;
One goes out
Where the other goes in!
One has rhythm
And one has none,
And one is eating a cinnamon bun!
They march down the avenues;
They march on the boulevards.
They march with a rattle
and a tootle
and a boom
The Ill-Assorted Guards!
The very handsome Guards!
The most unusual Guards!
The noble,
fearless,
resolute,
remarkable,
miscellaneous,
utterly Ill-Assorted Guards!